My Blog
Cumulative Grief: Self-help Strategies
Years ago, my father estranged himself from all of his adult children. In that season of refusing to communicate with any of us, he died unexpectedly. While we were still processing what happened a few months later, my husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness and then he too died. I was faced with [...]
Dreary Seasons Are For Planting Seeds of Hope
A misty rain dampens the chilly morning while the sky is draped in grays the color of pussy willow catkins. The calendar says “March!” as if issuing a command, but the temperature refuses to budge above the 40’s. Though it’s officially spring, the dreariness of winter tarries in the naked tree branches, the necessary coats [...]
How I Became A Member of the Widow’s Club
Before we received my husband's cancer diagnosis, when we were still the family that I had always wanted to be, I received three prophetic signs that my world was about to implode. First: I had a dream. My husband Mark and I were cruising along, side by side in a small convertible. The top was [...]
When Grief Leads to Thoughts of Suicide
I have a confession. On New Year’s Day, 11 months after my husband died, I called the toll free hotline for suicide prevention. Before I tell you what the volunteer who spoke with me suggested I do or share the circumstances of that particularly terrible, lonely day, let me just say that if you are [...]
Reorganizing, Fresh Starts, and Perfectionism
I am giving up a large, spacious house, the place where first we, and then I alone, raised our family. I have mixed feelings about all the levels of being that this move affects. Certainly I will have more time and resources available at my disposal since there will be so much less house to [...]
Moving After A Spouse Dies: Bridges and Changes
My husband died years ago. The impact of his death still affects me most days, completely changing the course of my life, reshaping who I became thereafter and how I think. You probably wouldn’t know it to look at me but it’s the truth. I am aware of an underlying note to my life that [...]
A Surprise Plot Twist: After Deciding to Remain Single, A Widow Remarries
A year ago our families gathered on the beach in Cape May Point, New Jersey to witness a wedding. Astonishingly, I was the bride. I say this because, after being a widow for 13 years, I had concluded that single life had many advantages and steady dating would be the extent of any relational commitment. [...]
Don’t Be Afraid To Go There: Acknowledging Another’s Grief Offers Hope
As I stood on the beach in Cape May Point, New Jersey, I saw this magnificent rainbow to the East while behind me, looking West, the sun was setting over the ocean. How poignant a reminder of what awaits us in heaven after we take our last breath on earth. The cloud beneath looks like [...]
Kintsugi: A Metaphor for Grief & Healing
Kintsugi is a Japanese art form that uses precious metals, like gold, to repair broken pottery. Rather than trying to mend the cracks so that they become invisible, kintsugi highlights the “scars” as a unique enhancement to the design. The use of gold, a metal that ancient Egyptians called “the breath of God,” makes the [...]
Willpower & Grief
The most challenging things we set out to do usually involve willpower. Recently I have been reading about an Olympic athlete, her struggles and achievements. In thinking about her life I began to wonder about that mysterious thing called willpower. In particular I considered what I knew about willpower (not that much) and how it [...]
Decathecting and Other Hard Things
Decathect. Verb. to withdraw one's feelings of attachment or energy from a person, idea, or object, as in anticipation of a future loss. I sold my home a few weeks ago. Why does an empty nester need a 5 bedroom house when I only use the first floor and none of the huge yard? Over [...]
Seeking a Safe Harbor After a Harrowing Experience
When I was in seventh grade, my father put our family of five on a runabout 27 foot sloop with the intent of sailing between the Caribbean Islands of St. Barts and St. Eustatius, a distance of 26 nautical miles. Locals warned him of a severe impending storm but my father, a licensed sailing captain, [...]
Purposeful Remembrance Can Be A Lighthouse For Those Who Grieve
Clouds surrounded the lighthouse of Cape May Point State Park, a stone’s throw from our house. Symbols of hope, lighthouses point sailors away from danger and toward safety. I was on a journey of grief when I discovered a type of lighthouse that rescued me from drowning in despair. By embracing my husband’s propensity for [...]
Signs From The Universe
Did you ever find affirmation through a visible sign? Maybe for you it was seeing a butterfly against your window, a cardinal appearing unexpectedly, or a rainbow’s glory on a day where everything seemed to go wrong. For me, finding a four-leaf clover has always brought a smile because it reminds me of my husband [...]
Grief, Happiness & Purposeful Remembrance
Americans grow up hearing about their fundamental right to the “pursuit of happiness.” The English philosopher, John Locke, originated the phrase that Thomas Jefferson famously borrowed in the Declaration of Independence. You may wonder, how is this relevant to grief? There is a connection because on one hand our culture values happiness as a fundamental [...]
Living What You Write
Last week I wrote about life throwing unwelcome surprises our way and the lessons we can learn from pain. Minutes after posting it my cell phone rang. The news I received was gut wrenching, affecting someone close to me. The irony of the timing could not have sent a louder message. Writing about how difficult [...]
The Surprising Things We Can Learn From Pain
On a recent morning I opened my front door to an unexpected visitor. She had stopped by our home to drop off some eggs. We hadn’t requested eggs and indicated as much but she was unfazed. She would leave the eggs whether we wanted them or not. After urinating in our garden, she proceeded to [...]
Facing Father’s Day While Grieving A Father’s Death
Father’s Day is a day my family would rather forget - a reminder of what isn’t. My husband died when our children were 10, 14 & 16. Their father hasn’t seen any of the milestones they've reached over the past decade plus. For us, his survivors, the mere existence of “Father’s Day” scratches open and [...]
Grief and Faith: God Answered the Hamster Prayer Not the Husband Prayer
Our hamster, Sandy, was a master escape artist. When in captivity she lived in a hamster cage in the first floor laundry. The manufacturer of the cage claimed that it was impenetrable. Sandy thought differently. She spent her days plotting her next escapade as we went about our lives. Returning from Kindergarten one day my [...]
Moving After A Spouse Dies
When a husband dies there are immediate financial repercussions. Though experts suggest waiting a year before making any major decisions, some things cannot wait. One of these might be whether or not to stay in your present home. For the majority of women, a spouse’s death drastically affects their overall financial situation. Staying in the [...]
Pets Can Help Plug the Hole in Your Grief Filled Heart
There is a shocked silence of the soul after a spouse’s death. You stand frozen, looking down at your bare feet where a thousand shards of your former, whole life lay scattered on the floor. You wonder how you will manage to find a path to safety, clean up the mess and then figure out [...]